By Teesta Bhola-Shah
Adoption is one of those topics a lot of people are naturally curious about. I get it, there’s so much to wonder about. How does the process work? When did a family decide to adopt? How do adoptive and biological parents differ? The tricky part is that many people are nervous to ask these questions because they worry about being rude. And honestly, I’ve experienced both sides of this.
I have a little brother who’s adopted, and growing up, I’ve heard a lot of comments from classmates and even adults that were confusing, frustrating, or just plain hurtful. People have said things like, “He’s not really your brother,” or asked me, “Are you his babysitter?” Those questions made me feel like our family wasn’t being seen as real, even though our lives together are just like any other siblings’ lives. At the same time, most people are just genuinely curious, and don’t mean harm at all. That’s why I think it’s important to talk about how to ask questions about adoption in a respectful and thoughtful way.
For example, one time in class, someone leaned over and whispered, “Wait, so he’s not really your brother?” I remember freezing for a second because I didn’t know if I should laugh it off or explain. I ended up calmly saying, “Yeah, of course he’s my brother, even though he’s adopted.” That moment really stuck with me because it showed how people can say things without thinking, and it’s a chance to educate them. I could have said more, but I think he understood.
Another time, a kid at a school event asked, “Are you just watching him today?” It came off like I was hired help, not a sister. I laughed and explained, “Nope, I’m his sister. We’re family.” The kid apologized, but it wasn’t a malicious question at all. She was genuinely just curious, and a kind, simple explanation was all she needed.
Then there are times when curiosity can be really sweet. Once, a classmate asked, “How does a family even adopt a kid? I’ve never really understood the process.” I was able to explain that families can adopt through foster care, private agencies, or internationally, and that it involves applications, interviews, home visits, and checks. Afterward, the student said, “Wow, I didn’t know any of that!” It was great to be able to teach a friend something new, and it wasn’t harmful at all.
Over the years, I’ve realized that the key difference between okay questions and hurtful questions is how you ask them. Curiosity is fine, but it matters whether your questions come from a place of genuine interest, or from judgment or assumptions.
Some of the most common questions people ask (and that are totally okay if asked respectfully) include:
- “How does the adoption process work?”
- “When did your family decide to adopt?”
- “Are there things that you notice are different about being an adoptive family?”
- “Do adopted kids ever want to know their birth parents?”
Other questions are hurtful or judgmental, like:
- “Why didn’t your parents just have a real kid?”
- “Does he even count as your family?”
- “Are you his babysitter?”
I’ve had all of these asked to me at one point or another. Each time, I try to answer calmly and honestly because most of the time, people genuinely don’t know how to talk about adoption.
I’ve also noticed that adoption questions are easiest to ask when you already know the person well. If you’re close, you can ask about sensitive topics like race, identity, or the adoption process without making anyone uncomfortable. If you don’t know them well, stick to polite, general questions.
From my experience, the best way to approach adoption questions is with respect, curiosity, and empathy. If your intent is to learn rather than judge, the conversation is usually positive. I’ve had classmates come back later and say, “Oh, wow, I didn’t realize that. Thanks for explaining.”
Tips for Asking Questions About Adoption
Do:
- Approach with curiosity, not judgment.
- Ask if the person is okay talking about it before diving in. (“Would you mind if I asked you something about adoption?”)”
- Respect privacy, not everyone wants to share details.
- Understand that families look different, and that’s normal.
Don’t:
- Assume the child was “rescued” or “saved.”
- Ask questions meant to embarrass or make the person uncomfortable.
- Use language like “real” parents or siblings — it can be dismissive.
