By Teesta Bhola-Shah
When people think about adoption, a lot of times their ideas come from movies, TV shows, or some random story they’ve heard. The problem is, media usually exaggerates everything to make it more dramatic or emotional, and that’s what ends up shaping people’s assumptions. Think about it: in so many movies, adopted kids are either treated horribly, go on a huge journey to find their “real” parents, or feel like they don’t belong. Those stories can be entertaining, but they don’t show the whole picture. And once those stereotypes stick in people’s minds, they can make adopted kids and their families feel like they constantly have to “prove” themselves.
That’s why I think it’s important to talk about these misunderstandings and correct them. Adoption isn’t one-size-fits-all. Every family’s experience looks different, and not everyone fits into the dramatic version you see on screen. Some families go through a lot of challenges, while others have smoother experiences. Some kids want to know their birth parents, others don’t. Some adoptions cost a lot of money, some don’t. It’s a whole spectrum.
For me, adoption is personal — my little brother is adopted, and I’ve seen firsthand how normal and full of love adoption can be. But I’ve also heard so many misconceptions from classmates, neighbors, or even adults who mean well but don’t really understand. So, I wanted to write about a few of the most common assumptions I’ve come across, and explain why they don’t really match reality. Hopefully, it helps people see adoption in a more honest (and less stereotyped) way.
Misunderstanding #1: Adopted kids are mistreated or unloved
This one always makes me cringe. There’s this stereotype in TV shows where adopted kids are “different” or not cared for as much as biological children. Although all families are different, and experiences of adopted children vary from family to family, mistreatment of adopted children is very uncommon. Analyses indicate that adoptive families have lower rates of reported child maltreatment than the general population. This is because adoptive parents go through years of background checks, interviews, home visits, and paperwork just to be able to adopt. They want kids so badly that they’re willing to jump through hoops that most people couldn’t even imagine. Saying adopted kids aren’t loved is almost insulting to both the kids and parents. My brother is literally the most spoiled kid in our family (in the best way!)
Misunderstanding #2: Adopted kids always want to find their birth parents
Yes, some adoptees do want to know about their biological families, and that’s completely valid. But not every adopted kid feels that way. Oftentimes, the media makes it seem like an adopted child’s life is not “complete” until they have “found” their birth parents. Some are perfectly happy with the family they have and don’t feel like anything is missing. It’s different for everyone. The bigger issue is when people assume that adoptive parents are “not real parents.” That phrase “real parents” is honestly so dismissive. Adoptive parents are real. They’re the ones who are there for the kid, through everything their child has gone through in life. Even if they don’t share biology, adoptive parents will hopefully love and care for their children in the exact same way.
Misunderstanding #3: Adoption is only for the wealthy because it’s super expensive
Okay, I get where this comes from. Adoption can be expensive — private adoptions, in particular, sometimes cost tens of thousands of dollars. International adoptions can be even more expensive, ranging from 20,000-60,000 dollars with a private agency. But here’s what people don’t know: there are actually a lot of grants, subsidies, and even loans available to help families. For example, foster-to-adopt programs are usually very low cost, less than $3,000 (sometimes even free), and many states provide financial assistance to adoptive families. There are also nonprofit organizations that give grants to people trying to adopt. Organizations such as Gift of Adoption, Help Us Adopt, and A Child Waits Foundation all provide grants up to $10,000 for families looking to adopt a child. Meanwhile, other organizations such as Lifesong for Orphans, a faith-based group, provide interest-free loans to families based on their financial circumstances. So, while the money part can be a challenge, it doesn’t mean adoption is only for rich families. A lot of middle-class families adopt all the time.
Misunderstanding #4: Birth parents don’t care about their children
This one is probably the harshest and the most untrue. Placing a child for adoption is usually the hardest choice a birth parent will ever make. Most of the time, it’s done out of love, because they want their child to have opportunities or stability they can’t provide at that moment. It’s not about not caring; it’s actually the exact opposite. It’s about caring so much that you’re willing to make an unbelievably painful sacrifice. People don’t always see that side, but it’s real. Adopted kids may wonder if their parents really loved them, and question why they were given up for adoption, but the reality is that most birth parents are trying to give their children a better life through adoption.
Misunderstanding #5: Adopted kids were “rescued” or “saved”
Another thing I hear a lot is that adopted kids are “lucky” because their parents “saved them.” I know people mean this in a nice way, but it’s not accurate. Adoption is about forming a family, and no sincere parents want to adopt a child merely for charity. When people frame adopted kids as being “rescued,” it makes them sound like they’re a burden or an object of pity, when really, they’re just kids who ended up in their family a different way. My brother isn’t “lucky” to have been “saved” by my parents — he has parents, just like any other kid. And honestly, our family is just as lucky to have him.
This narrative is especially common in international adoptions, specifically where a white family adopts a child of color. Many people automatically assume that the child is being “saved” from a bad situation, which is not only inaccurate but often deeply rooted in racist assumptions about countries, communities, and families outside of Western culture. It frames children of color as passive victims and portrays the adoptive family as the hero, perpetuating this narrative of the white savior.
In contrast, my family is brown, and we adopted a white child, which is extremely rare. People are often confused and ask things like, “Are you his nannies?” No one ever assumes we “rescued” him, but that’s exactly the narrative that many children of color face in adoption. It shows how these assumptions aren’t just harmless misunderstandings — they’re tied to bigger ideas about race, power, and who gets to be seen as a “savior.”
The truth is, adoption is about love and family, not rescue. Kids don’t need to be “saved,” and adoptive parents aren’t heroes for simply being parents.
